Monday, June 27, 2011

Getting ready to leave Kalani....

I was ready to leave Kalani at the end of my three months.  The dysfunction was impacting me and I wasn't able to not let it affect me.  For me, the dysfunction included the lack of follow through on the management of the place, the gossiping, the judgments, and the complaining.  This scenario seems to be inevitable in a group environment, whether at my regular work or in the remote jungle community that I was in.  I know I participated in it - I often found myself bonding through complaining.  But, I didn't want to do this -  I was trying to change my own patterns.  And, because I didn't want to get too involved, it was easier to move on.   Maybe, it was just that I was becoming restless after being in a place for so long - 3 months seemed to be a good amount of time to experience and become a part of the community, and for it to feel new.  It was starting to feel comfortable and old and this was a journey of exploring and having adventures, not settling down in any one place so soon.  I was anxious to take the plunge again.

I had no idea where to go.  Fear was starting to creep in.  Randy was also going to be leaving as well as Liz, Riana, and Jan.  We all had arrived basically at the same time and our time was up.   By management, I was asked to stay.  And, if I could have managed a car, I may have considered it.  But being without a car or public transportation made life there in the jungle a bit too difficult and restrictive.  And, the people whom I had grown close to were moving on and it felt right to be leaving together.  It was great support for making the transition into the unknown.  It lessened my fear.

The exhilarating part was that with each conversation that each of us had with others we sought out options....possible adventures....trying to figure out where I wanted to go next ~ which place did I most resonated with.  At times, it was overwhelming.  A huge world, too many choices which is not always great for someone who is decision-making challenged.  I need to hear, see, explore, research, and feel the options in order to know if it is right for me.  Sometimes, a long process which I have been working on - to reduce this processing time and to know more quickly ~ which basically means a deeper connection with my inner being, and, development of my intuition and trust that I am being guided to where it will be best for me.  I wanted and still want to truly live with that spontaneity...I am getting there.  

Conversations about Vipassana seemed to be popping up everywhere, (a sign?).   I was intrigued, yet fearful.  (Vipassana is a Buddhist meditation technique developed by S.N. Goenka, and the initial step is a 10 day silent retreat where you meditate for 11 hours a day with the goal of minimal physical movement.)  Randy and I explored the Vipassana process and had some of the same issues, i.e., back issues and concerns about sitting for so long without moving, and, neither of us wanted to share a room.  I wondered if I could actually do a 10 day silent retreat?  For me, it was scary, exciting and new.  I was learning, where there is fear, jump, make the leap and do it.  Randy was an experienced nomadic traveler and this was not challenging for him to decide and move on to the next adventure.  He was and still inspires me on living this nomadic lifestyle.  I often turn to him for support if I am around a non-supportive environment for too long.

One afternoon near the end of our stay, Randy and I spent time on Kalani's community computer doing our research of where to do it.  Lots of choices for locations since they happen all over the place.  We found one outside of Vancouver, BC that had private rooms.  Our time at Kalani was ending in just a few days so the pressure was on to make a decision....was this for us?  Almost without thinking, we signed up....we jumped.  We turned to each other and one of said, "Well, we have a 'home' for at least 10 days!"   I walked away with laughter and lightness in my heart and body...I was moving on...yippee!  Life was good....

As I walked back to my present home, my A-frame, I realized, I am jumping from the tropics to cold snowy weather without appropriate clothes since it was the end of's an opportunity to trust that whatever I needed would come to me, easily and hopefully within my budget....would it?

The last days of Kalani were bittersweet....

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