Shay had found her way there. Donate and I arrived at the Butterfly Ranch in hopes of securing a deal there for work exchange. This was off-season so we were hopeful. We agreed to a deal - stay in the B&B and pay a little bit plus work a little bit and all was great until....the next morning when we were tossed out to the 'volunteer' camper because they got unexpected guests. Well, I got the camper with another worker. Donate got a room in the house, next to the two owners, who smoked...pot, daily. It was medical marijuana, but I find it hard to believe that they both had a medical need for it. No judgments though. Most of us have done some escaping, however, my escaping tactics no longer included altering my state of mind, nor did Donate's. Nor, did I want to be around it on a daily basis.
We survived at the Butterfly Ranch for 2 weeks. I am quite modest and shy, and although I consider myself a liberal, I was not quite as 'free' as those who have lived on Hawai'i for so long. At the time, I wasn't handling the naked owners or guests well, along with the mind altered states. The situation was just not a good match. And, we were too far from the ocean. I was on an island and I was nowhere near the ocean. I am water...I need to be there, see it, play in it. I needed it for rejuvenation and I was too far away.
Donate and I laughed our way out of the Butterfly Ranch, stating that we wouldn't be going anywhere that had a 'fly' or a 'ranch' in it's name again. We ended up doing what I had needed to do in the first place, find a place to rest. We rented a condo, right on the water in Hilo. We had a great view, a short walk to the water, and it was affordable. And, this was a place where the sea turtles came in each night...I swam with them daily. Amazing! Home!
Coconut Park
Hilo, Hawai'i
Personal challenges did arise in paradise. I came to explore and to change myself, to reconnect and here I was dealing with the same issues that I always had in my life. Donate, going through a separation from her husband, whom she had been quite dependent upon, turned to me for support. However, it felt as though I was replacing the role that her husband had played. I was very familiar with that role but I didn't want a dependent. I wanted to be a support, but be free to put myself first, which I hadn't done in a long time, if ever. I felt suffocated, (or I should say, it triggered my feelings of suffocation that I had from many years of similar experiences).
Shay Skye eventually joined us for a short period, and Donate had difficulties with her 'energy'. I became the go between, and I have to say I didn't handle it too well. I fell into my care-taking mode. I spoke to Shay when I should have encouraged Donate to do it - to express her feelings. This created an awkwardness for all of us. I was being co-dependent, again. Awareness quickly resulted in me wanting to flee, and I did.
Our month was up, and I flew to another island, Kauai. I took another month for myself. I so needed it. Recovering from burnout seemed to require more than a few weeks. I was still exhausted. I got a great deal, being off-season, at a small native motel, on the ocean. It had an Adirondack chair underneath the tree that became mine. I escaped, via books, walks on the beach and swimming in the ocean. I read the Outlander series by Diana Gabaldon, which I had read before, but I wanted to get lost in these characters and their world again. Kauai turned out to be a saving grace for me...I was feeling free, my energy was slowly returning....I began to think that I could actually make it to Kalani to do a 'work' exchange - I had started to doubt that I could recover from burnout.
Sunset
Downtown
Your honesty and your ability to see your 'trappings' are amazing. You are extremely perceptive. What a joy it is to know you and to know you further through these musings. Mahalo!
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